The end of eating carefully. . .

Salt & pepper squid, garlic scallops, and sauteed Chinese water spinach.

The end of eating carefully happened on Friday. In Chinatown, at 3 am, after much whiskey and very little singing of karaoke @ Winnie's with Jersey and P.

Everything seems pretty much back to normal. I'm trying to eat less wheat, because it just makes me so gassy and bloated. So far I've been avoiding it fairly well, although I did have some bready/pastryish stuff at brunch on Sunday. Of course, I should give up dairy, too, as we all know. But I'm right back to eating cheese, etc. I spent $4.50 on a yogurt parfait today. $4.50!! Fucking robbery.

I'm trying to keep up the cleansy/healthy/detoxy spirit by drinking GT's Kombucha. P.R. turned me on to it. You may recall an earlier post about the Kombucha disaster. Well, disaster aside, I've sought out more. P.R. and I went to Health Nuts yesterday to buy different flavors. And my co-worker just told me they're on sale at Whole Foods for 2-for-$5! Wow. Sounds like cause for another field trip adventure!

Post-fast happenings.

This is so weird. Yesterday and today I have had this profound exhaustion. Like I’m so tired I can hardly move my arms above my head to wash my hair. I’ve been sleeping a full 8 (last night around 9) hours of sleep all this week, too. What is going on with my metabolism post-fast???

Last night I had a Kombucha disaster. Kombucha is a miracle product. It's a symbiotic culture of yeast and bacteria. People make Kombucha "tea" out of it, which is a fermeneted beverage with unlimited magical health benefits. The true elixir of life. But very odd-tasting. Anyway, I went to the health food store near Columbia and bought 3 bottles of it yesterday. (My friend P.R. has counselled me to go to a different health food store and get other flavors than the plain variety, so I'll do that soon.) I left one in the fridge at work, and took two home with me. I had a bunch of other crap in my bag - including two bottles of 2-buck Chuck, or 3-buck Chuck, as is the case in NYC (Roommate, please forgive my low wine standards in your absence!) - and had to run several errands after work. At any rate, at some point, one of the Kombucha bottles broke in my bag, probably from getting knocked by the wine, and EVERYTHING was soaked. Including my bag, my gym clothes, my book/magazine/planner/checkbook, and even my coat.

But the worst part is – it smelled SO bad! Or at least, so strangely. Acidic and acrid, a cross between vinegar, beer, and photochemicals. People on the trains would sniff the air, look at me in a very puzzled fashion, glare, and move away. I'm sorry! I did not piss myself or anything, people!

The wrap-up.

First - I'm sorry for my absence yesterday. I was feeling a bit sheepish because I ended the fast early.

Yes. I ended the fast. (There's a hallelujah in there somewhere.)

Actually, I ended it on Tuesday evening. I made some fresh vegetable broth (spinach, kale, carrot, onion, mushrooms - no salt, no oil, nothing else), and had a bit of that, plus the juice from an orange. As you know from my last post, I felt really terrible on Tuesday. I was freezing, looked and felt like death warmed over, etc. Couldn't concentrate on anything. After work, I decided to go to the store to buy more supplies for the formula (I was out of maple and very low on lemons), but I also bought the veggies and some fruit. (Also Q-tips, but that doesn't really have anything to do with the fast.) I entertained the notion that I would just keep the veggies in the fridge for a couple of days or possibly make the broth and not have any of it on Tuesday, but save it for a later date when I did decide to break the fast. Yeah right.

So anyway, I made the broth when I got home. And ate it. It was delicious. It was so simple, so fresh. It's funny - had I eaten it two weeks ago it would have tasted bland at best, or even tasteless, or even gross. But it was so good I ate more than I was planning, and even ate a few bites of the veggies. Also, the freshly squeezed OJ (technically, juice from a tangelo, but as a friend asked, what the hell is a tangelo anyway?) was equally delightful.

Yesterday, I thought maybe I would just pick up where I left off and begin with the fast again. I had a lemonade for breakfast. Of course, I also then had a tangelo. So much for that plan. I had more broth and cooked veggies at lunch, and then had a pear later in the afternoon. A banana in the evening. When I got home later, I had more broth and veggies, and even a little brown rice. Once I started eating yesterday, I got ravenous - the hungry beast awakes! Also, I could feel my stomach churning as I introduced food into it. It's so cool when you can feel and become aware of your body's involuntary processes. Well, as long as it's not because you're puking or spurting blood out of an artery or something.

Today I've had some broth and veg in the morning, and an orange. I think at lunch I'll have more broth & veg, but also some brown rice. Maybe some nuts. We'll see what I'm up for tonight. Frankly, I feel like I want to just eat what I want and deal with the consequences. But I know that would be bad, not only for my digestive tract, but also for my ass/hips/thighs/etc. (remember, the metabolism is at a snail's pace these days).

Also: I haven't pooped yet since I've started eating again. Last night I was feeling blocked up, gassy, and generally uncomfortable. Today is better, but if there's been no action by this evening, I'm DEFINITELY taking the tea before bed tonight.

That's it for now. I'll post again. Perhaps.

Day 6, cont. Slow metabolism

Hi all.

I'm almost through the workday. Just under an hour left.

I have not been too productive today. My attention has been very short. I am very tired and feel very out of it. Also, I think my metabolism has slowed way down - I'm freezing cold, so my co-worker lent me her space heater for under my desk AND I've put on my heavy, shearling winter coat. I look ridiculous. Also, I look like shit. I'm pale with dark dark circles under my eyes. (My appearance is probably not helped by the fact that I skipped the shower today. Thank god my hair is once again long enough for a bobby-pin assisted ponytail.)

I have a nasty taste going on in my mouth. And my tongue is finally starting to get a little gnarly. The coat is getting thicker and yellowish, particularly on the sides towards the front - which is weird. I would expect the coat to get thick and gross in the back near the root. But actually, now that I think about it, the Liver is reflected on the sides of the tongue, right? (TCM, yea!) So if the coat is coming out on the sides, it means my Liver is releasing toxins. . . ?

I was not able to do the salt flush this morning, as I had to be out of the house no later than 7 am today. So I just did the tea last night. Amazingly, stuff actually came out of me this morning without the assistance of the 32 oz of salt water. Nevertheless, I think that I might feel poorly today in part because I didn't do the flush this morning and get everything squeaky clean. I'm going to salt flush tonight when I get home from the office. That is, after I stop at the store and buy more lemons and maple. I feel like it's nuts to keep going, but I'll still try.

My tummy/intestines hurt today. They are not thrilled with the cayenne action. Also, the past couple days I've been getting some gassy-ness/bloating in my intestines, which I find really weird. What could possibly create gas, and why now?

Big thanks to P.R., R.S., and M.F. for their support and encouragement today.

Day 6. Argh.

Okay folks. I'm about ready to throw in the towel. I'm cranky, I'm back at work, and I'm OBSESSED with Joe's Pizza. I was hanging out with a friend yesterday evening and we went to see Tears of the Black Tiger (psychedelic-technicolor manneristic Thai western) at the Film Forum. But he was hungry. So we stopped at Joe's Pizza on Bleeker/Carmine where he got two slices. Two PERFECT New York slices with crispy crispy crust and orangey oil on top of the bubbly cheese. Goddamn, it smelled so good. He says that the pizza sucked, but I don't believe him. As soon as my digestive tract is up for it, I'm taking a field trip to Joe's to prove him wrong.

Today I am cranky. Already mentioned that above, but it's worth repeating. I feel tired, too. I think I may get a fresh squeezed juice today at lunchtime. The signs are pointing to breaking the fast. . . I ran out of maple syrup today, and I'm down to my last two lemons.

Also: I hate my fucking job.

Day 5. and definitely counting.

The salt flush just gets harder and harder to take. The small amount of saltwater is fine, but it's the 32 oz of liquid that has to fit into my shrunken stomach that's a problem. I want to vomit just because of the volume issue.

My resolve was wavering yesterday, and still is today. Yesterday afternoon & evening I was feeling physically hungry again. Today not, so far. But I just keep thinking about food: restaurants I want to go to (Da Andrea in the W village), meals I want to have (brunch), individual food items I'm craving (crepes, of all things). I think part of the problem has been that I haven't been active/out of the house enough. It's been a pretty rainy weekend, so I've spent much of my time holed up in the apartment. I did go out to that concert on Saturday night, and I went to a concert in my neighborhood yesterday afternoon w/Roommate and South American Physicist-Musician (SAPM) #1. (Sadly, SAPM #2 is still in Argentina, or perhaps he arrives back in NYC today?) But that's about it for excursions. Today, however, I'm off to the planetarium at the Museum of Natural History. And then maybe I will go to see the psychedelic Thai western that's playing at the Film Forum. Or I might be watching kung fu movies in an apartment right above Dumpling Man.

Does it defeat the purpose of the master cleanse and/or will it totally fuck me up while fasting to smoke pot tonight? Because that is something I really enjoy doing while watching kung fu flicks. I think the answer to both questions is probably yes, but it sounds really tempting. Although if I did smoke, the fast might end immediately and badly with uncontrollable munchies and a heapin', steamin' helping of dumplings. So probably best to avoid the temptation.

Tongue coat: fairly thick and fully covering my tongue, but still totally white. I take this to mean that I'm not that toxic, and therefore can quit the fast early.

My asshole is raw. Fucking salt flush.

I'm off to go for a jog.

Day 4

Good morning.

Yesterday, I slept until about 4:30. I got up in the morning, then went back to bed. I felt so tired I was almost delerious - having surreal and anxiety-ridden dreams, but feeling sleep so heavily upon me that I could not bring myself awake. When I did get up, I felt much better. Did a little exercise, took a shower, and left to go to the concert (which was great). Came home, chatted for a bit with Roommate, watched a movie, drank the tea and went to bed.

So now it's Day 4. You know, the tea is supposed to take 8-10 hours to work, but for me, it takes about 3. The nights between days 1 & 2 and now between 3 & 4 it's woken me up in the middle of the night just a few hours after taking it. I don't know if I'll continue to take it anymore. . . or maybe I'll take it in the early evening so that it works just before I go to bed.

I figured out why the salt-flush didn't work very well yesterday: I accidentally only put in half the amount of salt required. I forgot that I was using a 1/2 teaspoon measure instead of a full teaspoon measure, so I only put two of those in, instead of the required 4. Duh. Anyway, today I did the full amount and it is working as it should. It's created some bathroom conflict with me and Roommate. Seems she wanted to take a shower this morning. Too bad, sucka! In the hour+ post salt flush, I have dominion over the loo! So, she's off to brunch shower-free: stinky and greasy. Whatever - all is fair, since at least she gets to HAVE brunch. I'm off to go make lemonade #1.

Day 3. I want brunch.

It's Saturday. I'm doing my Saturday a.m. routine, which consists of sitting around listening to This American Life. Actually, my routine usually involves doing the dishes and listening, but I'm not doing dishes this morning because Roommate did most of them last night, and also I am so light-headed I can hardly stand up. I feel like shit.

Did the salt flush, but I did the modified version I came up with yesterday. Doesn't seem to be working as well, but I suppose that could be due to any number of factors. Also, I didn't take the tea last night because I was already having eliminations on my own before I went to bed. I figured I didn't need the tea, and frankly, I didn't know if I could handle waking up at 2:30 in morning for more intestinal activity (like had happened the night before). Maybe that's affecting the salt flush efficacy this morning?

Anyway, I feel too loopy and tired right now to be funny or to write more. I'm retiring to the bedroom. Maybe listen to Car Talk in bed, maybe finish my book, maybe just go back to sleep. I'm supposed to go to a concert tonight - I hope I can deal with it.

Day 2. The afternoon.

Today has been going really well. For starters, I made it all the way to work without any residual salt-flush-induced emergencies. I was kinda worried about that, both in theory and in the moment. Additionally, as I just explained to an inquiring friend*, my hunger has actually been easier to deal with than yesterday (and yesterday wasn't too bad). The reason, I think, is because yesterday I was having more extreme "pangs" of hunger. While they were sporadic, they could be fairly intense. Today I've had a more consistent baseline of hunger throughout the day, but the level of it hasn't been nearly as intense. Also, my energy is still really good. I think I'll try to do some pilates when I get home, and then Roommate and I may go to a movie. As I was telling P.R. (below), I expect that my energy will probably dip tomorrow and/or Sunday. But it will be on the weekend so I'll be able to deal with it.

I just met up with a certain doctor friend of mine for a brief, impromptu un-coffee (he was having coffee, I wasn't), and he told me that he had to stop reading my blog when he got to the first poop reference. He's squeamish about those things. After dissecting a cadaver for goodness sake! (And beware the woman who tries to mention a feminine issue!)

*Said friend might join me in my fast in a couple of days! Yay P.R.!

Day 2.

Oh. my. god.

Salt flush.

I'm waiting for it to work, and am beginning to get concerned that it won't. I should stand up and walk around massaging my colon instead of writing this.

Chugging 32 oz of salt water was about the worst thing I've ever done. After this, i'm auditioning to be a contestant on Fear Factor. That million will be mine, piece of cake. I gagged a couple times while I was drinking. I overcame the urge to puke only by convincing myself that I was draining the broth from a delicious bowl of Maruchan Ramen. Minus the MSG. Is it possible to be both fasting and bloated? Because after drinking that salt water I'm feeling like it's about a day before my period. Which it's not.

Okay, true confessions: I just had to leave suddenly after typing "MSG". You know why. Apparently, the salt flush works. Likely it will work again before I finish this post. I already seem to be on the dregs of what can come out of me, so I'm really curious to see how this goes over the remainder of the fast. I'm waiting for gold coins or plastic army men to come out. (I still feel bloated though. Ugh.)

Also - inspiration on the john! I had a brilliant idea of how to get through drinking the salt water tomorrow! I'll boil a small amount of water and dissolve all the salt in that. Let it cool a bit, then drink it down. Then chase with the remaining 30 oz of plain water. I think that will be so much better.

Tongue coat today: beginning to get a little thicker than normal, but it's still white. It's about the same as if I wake up after having had not quite enough sleep and am maybe coming down with a minor cold, but nothing so bad that a little Airborne won't stop it in its tracks. Frankly, I'm hoping my tongue gets really gnarly during this fast - moldy-lookin', yellow, fuzz so thick it nearly grows around my teeth. If it doesn't, I'll feel like this whole Master Cleanse is a waste of time.

Last night Roommate cooked dinner. Pasta. That was a piece of cake to avoid after denying myself at the post-work party, replete with fabulous food and a fucking martini ice luge. But then she just HAD to watch Smallville, so I couldn't watch a Very Long Engagement, which is my new Netflix. Bummer. Nice way to support me during these challenging times, Roommate!

Oh - gotta go again.

Day 1, cont. - the day of Free Food

Today is the day of free food: there was a beautiful breakfast spread in a neighboring office this morning, we had a catered lunch for a meeting here in my office today, and there is a post-holiday-work party tonight. So I have to say, I've picked a really good day to start the fast. I mean that sincerely. Because I'm fasting, I avoided/will avoid all those toxins (i.e. all that is good in life: the french toast and croissants and cheese and brownies and passed hors d'oeuvres and cocktails). No, but seriously, it is good that today is the day of free food because it is still very easy to resist temptation. Day 3 would likely be more of a problem.

Thus far, I've had 3 servings of the drink. I'm finding that with each serving I actually like it more and more. EXCEPT, well, the poop thing. (I did warn everyone that this was going to be a recurring topic). I had my first lemonade poop today. Know how cayenne is spicy on your tongue and in your mouth and even sometimes in your esophagus and tummy? Well, it's just as spicy on the way out. And while it wasn't such a big deal this time, I'm slightly concerned about subsequent episodes. I mean, will my rectum be able to take it?? Hey - would it be wrong to swab some pepto bismal or some vaseline up there??? (Maybe I'll make my roommate do it. That'll teach her to eat Indian food in front of me again!)

Let's see. I went to the gym today at lunch. Just a little jogging and some stretching and some pilates/ab stuff. Nothing major.

Oh, and one more minor detail: I'm starting to get hungry.

Day 1. . . not counting yet

Okay. It's day 1. I'm excited.

I've been feeling pretty tired lately, and have been afraid that I might be coming down with something. Yes, Channing, that has EVERYTHING to do with you. So far so good, though, on that front - no major infections (viral or otherwise) that I can tell. I've been having a rather difficult time rousing myself from my bed in the mornings, and my tongue has had a nice thick white coat on it, but that's the extent of my imagined impending illness thus far. While this tiredness obviously has nothing to do with the fast, it has everything to do with me NOT wanting to get out of bed in the morning. Compounding matters is the Warm Bed + Really Cold Bedroom equation. A few more taps of the snooze button, please.

BUT - this morning, I found myself compelled to get out of bed 1) because I was past the point of being certain that I would still make it to work on time, 2) because I was itching to get up and make my first serving of master cleanser lemonade, and 3) because there was some suspicious/curious activity going on in my intestine. The tea works!!

I pooped 3 times this morning in 30 minutes. It was hovering between the very soft/liquid varieties. That's what a day of eating nuthin-but-fruit will get you. But it felt really awesome to get it all out.

In between mad dashes to the ladies', I mixed up and drank my first lemonade of the day. It's actually quite tasty. I skimped on the maple a little bit (dude, that shit's got a LOT of calories), and I think I may have overdone the cayenne. Emeril would have approved, I guess. It gave me a little morning kick.

Speaking of morning kick, I actually feel really great this morning. Pretty energetic, not yet hungry at all. Uh, yeah, but we'll see how I feel after sitting at my desk for a few hours, desperately attempting to stave off the ADD. The constant need for distraction usually takes the form of wanting to get up and make some tea or snack on whatever or blah blah blah (hence the 10-15 lb weight gain since I started working here two years(!) ago). There's chocolate on the counter.

Gonna go for now. Will probably check in later with the first hunger pang.

Day 0.5 - right before bed

I went to my friend Ken's art show tonight (great job, Ken!) and a small part of me wished I could have a glass of wine. That's more for the social ease of having a drink in my hand than for any other reason though. On the way home I ate a green pepper like an apple. The girl sitting across from me on the train clearly thought I was a freak.

I came home and my roommate had ordered Indian food. It smelled really good. Turns out, she was stoned and kept talking about how amazing the food tasted. I told her that was okay tonight, but if she pulled that shit tomorrow there would likely be a problem. Like, I might eat my roommate.

Right now I'm drinking my tea. Smooth Move. I'm relaxing and off to bed soon. I'll not do salt flush tomorrow morning because I heard that it might be better to wait a day or two into the fast. Just going with the tea tonight and we'll see how the morning goes. Hopefully there won't be an issue with getting to work on time!

Good night!

Day 0.5

Okay, so I'm not one to keep a blog. Never kept a journal, never really felt or understood the desire to. I once tried when I was younger, but that lasted about a day or two. I only did it because my best friend did. Oh - and because my sister had this really cool diary with a combination clasp on it. Naturally, I wanted my own. But the practice didn't stick. For one thing, I've always found writing a bit of a chore. For another, I never really knew who my audience was supposed to be. I mean, if I was just writing for myself, then why would I write it down to begin with? Plus, I was under the impression that a diary was supposed to be angst-ridden and maudlin. Which is actually how I felt a lot of the time, but it just seemed too cheesy to put down in writing. Not to mention the fact that I always assumed that someone would find it and read it, and there was no way I was going to suffer that embarrassment.

A blog solves the audience question nicely. But then, why would anonymous strangers (and maybe a handful of friends) want to read my thoughts? Well, for starters, I promise to stay away from the angst-ridden and maudlin. Or, at least, I'll try. But more importantly, I plan to tell you all about my master cleanse fast, which I'm sure will be a fascinating topic. It's gonna involve graphic discussions of my bowel movements and everything.

So. It's day 0.5 and counting. I say 0.5 because it's my lead-in day. I'm only eating fresh fruits & veggies today, and of course water to drink. Yesterday I toxin-loaded by eating an egg sandwich (w/fake cheese) AND a strawberry cheese croissant AND an Amy's burrito AND a brownie AND veggie combo #3 from Awash, my favorite Ethiopian restaurant. So today I'm trying to ease in to the detox. So far today I had a clementine, a pint of strawberries, a banana, and some string beans. I would say all is well except the pint of strawberries could cause some concern, but they were just soo good I couldn't stop eating them.

Tomorrow's the real deal. I'll tell you all about it. I'm totally psyched and resolved - I can't wait.

My friend A.D. told me that his friend did Master Cleanse and pooped what looked like blue marbles. Blue marbles! I wonder what's going to come out of me??